The Waves and the Undercurrent

February 22
Week 45

This week moved like the ocean.

It began high and bright — unseasonably warm Michigan air, sunshine in February, and Sophie unexpectedly by my side for several days. She is both anchor and disruption. Life is fuller with her here, and also more complex. I felt both relief and sadness when I dropped her off. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t judge myself for holding two truths in the same hand.

I am learning that this is my superpower.

Mardi Gras arrived layered in symbolism — eclipse energy, Fire Horse ignition, and a day that once belonged to my marriage. I intended to celebrate sovereignty. I did. I treated myself to dinner. I honored the memory of New Orleans. I allowed the wine to soften the edges. When the pang of the past surfaced, I felt it in my bones — and I stayed. I didn’t spiral. I didn’t drown. Sophie’s presence grounded me in a way that felt like grace. What could have become a tidal pull instead rolled through me and returned to the sea.

That is new.

I led twenty women through making dreamcatchers on Thursday night. It stretched me mentally and energetically. I held the field. By Friday, my nervous system crashed. I went home instead of out. I ordered takeout. I rested. The lows crept in, and I let them move without making them mean anything catastrophic.

And then my body spoke.

Another gallbladder attack. Pain at an eight. Childbirth-level intensity. Vomiting. Heating pad. One to two hours and it passed. The anxiety about food rose just as sharply as the pain. But instead of panicking, I scheduled the appointment. I removed alcohol and THC. I began tracking patterns. I chose data over drama.

A year ago, I would not have handled this week like this.

A year ago I was grieving Mondo. I was trying to hold a collapsing marriage together. I was learning how to live alone. I was stress-eating and drinking far too much wine. I had no sense of who I was without chaos around me.

This week still had waves — joy, grief, exhaustion, physical pain, insight, expansion.

But I am no longer the wave.

I am the undercurrent.

The waves are easier to ride when the undercurrent is strong. That is what I see more clearly now. As long as I hold my center steady, the highs and lows simply roll to shore and dissolve back into the ocean.

What strengthens the undercurrent most is self-trust. Watching myself in motion. Seeing how I respond. Rerouting in real time. Knowing I am going to be okay because I am okay now.

I also reclaimed something essential this week.

I am an intense person. There is fire in my eyes that will never burn out. For most of my life, that fire responded to collapse — someone else’s chaos, someone else’s crisis, something breaking down. But now nothing is collapsing.

So where do I direct my intensity?

Into what I choose.

This week clarified my next evolution: Purple Gen is no longer “just” website design. It is strategic, sustainable B2B growth through online presence. Not reactive. Not chaotic. Intentional. Directed.

If there is no fire, who am I?

I am my own fire.

The waves came and went.
The undercurrent held.
The flame is now self-directed.

And that changes everything. 💜